Hello - Recently Diagnosed

it sounds like you're really struggling emotionally/psychologically. Can you book in to see a counsellor or a psychologist? I have a psych I see every week and I think it helps. Like Judy said, the way you are feeling is normal. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but it WILL get better. I had a terrible time when I was first diagnosed, I was convinced I should start planning my funeral. But as the treatment plan fell into place the anxiety eased up. And to be honest, sure, this cancer may well take my life, but I can't obsess on that thought right now. I could also be hit by the proverbial bus next week, or be involved in some freak accident, but I don't live in fear of that. I have to get on and live my life as best I can each and every day. And in some ways the BC has helped me do that. I am sure pre BC I was in a sort of automatic pilot mode - not really appreciating my family, or my life even, for all that it/they are worth. I guess I really did take it/them for granted, to some extent. Now I can't or don't. Don't get me wrong, I don't want this BC, wish it never happened - to any of us! But it did force me to reassess my life and thoughts. I don't want to sound like I am telling you how you should feel, but I just wanted to share how I am coping with it. We all have different coping mechanisms in place and that is mine. 

I know others may disagree with me, but I think all breast cancer, all cancer for that matter, is unpredictable and scary, not just tri neg. It is a disease that none us have control over and that is what we fear. That lack of control. We're so used to believing we have control over everything in our lives and all of a sudden we don't. Don't believe tri neg is any worse that other forms of breast cancer, they all suck. And sure, we may not have the fluffy pink version of BC, but even those women who do have it can be struck down with a recurrence or spread. I am sure you will find there are women out there with the 'good' sub type, no nodes, small tumor etc., who find themselves facing a spread of the disease. The good thing for us, is because we have tri neg, your doctors will attack it with all guns blazing. It may be tough going, physically, but it is comforting to know that. I have a cousin who had BC 3 years ago at the age of 37. The doctors decided that because it was in situ she only needed a lumpectomy and rads. No chemo for her. I am relieved I am getting the works, even if it does knock me around.

I know you have seen some bad side effects from chemo in others, but it doesn't mean it will happen to you. Do what you need to do, take what you need to take to get through. I am sure once you talk with your oncologist and discuss all the different side effects your anxiety will ease. Like Judy said, they're probabilities, not certainties. There are plenty of meds to take to help ease the discomfort - take them all!

Sorry to hear you've had so many troubles with the drain. I hope it clears up soon. Are the antibiotics working? 

The hikes sound great. And I'm more than a little envious you get to watch an eagles nest. But now I'm going to try and make you envious by saying I live close to a beautiful beach and will be enjoying some lazy summer beach days with the family over the summer break (I'm in Australia). 

Let us know how you're going. 

Best to you,

Sandra

 

Planning a funeral - before I went to the hospital I sat down and wrote up all this information my husband needed to know about and at the end of it, wrote up my obituary so all he had to do was insert the memorial information. 

 

Yes, the antibiodic helped. I still get a lot of pain all around and it starts in the evening and gets worse during the night. I'm out of pain medication and Tylenol doesn't do much for it. I'm only sleeping two or three hours a night most nights.

 

I just returned from seeing my primary. We discussed the details given to him and how I was doing with it all. He told me to go ahead and take the antivan as much as I need it, but if I find I need it on a regular basis to call him and he'll up the Paxil since the Paxil isn't addictive and the ativan is. I go back to him in three months, but he's at my disposal in the meantime. His nurse even called me after I was home from the hospital to see how I was doing. Not many offices will do that. My surgeons office didn't even do that.

 

When my friend, Juli, takes me to appointments non cancer related, we go to breakfast and maybe the fabric store afterwards. That always lifts my spirits. She's awesome and really more a sister to me than a friend. Being with her brightens my day. She can make me laugh like no one else can.

 

My cousin went in for her post op and was told she'd start chemo Jan. 4. She'll go once a week for 16 weeks then have radiation. I have to wait until I meet with the oncologist on the 22nd to know anything. Differences in doctors. She had more pain up front than I did. Now she only has pain in her arms and all her drains are out. I have pain in my arms, chest, sides and back. My right pit where the nodes were removed is looking more normal again, no more valleys and mountian peaks to try and shave.

 

I have a lump on my right side that could be related to either drain three being pulled are the surgery itself since it's in the vicinity of both. It popped up last Thursday. It was hard in the center of it, but today there is only a hard lump, the softness that was around it is gone. It's not much smaller than the lump I felt in my breast. I see the surgeon tomorrow to have my left breast area drained and the last drain removed and will have her look at it. The drain was ready to come out on Saturday, but I wasn't going to tie up Juli's entire day with appointments when I already have one tomorrow that my husband is taking me to.

 

I am struggling with mental issues, but I don't want to see the doctor assigned to me. I discussed my issues with the conflict of interest with my husband and he tried to talk me into seeing her anyway. I refuse to compromise their professional relationship. It would be the same with anyone else they switched me over to within this OSF circle. They all know him - he works on everyones computer sysmtems. He's not one of those to go in and does the job and disappears. He friends everyone and they can stand around and talk, joke, whatever no matter where they run into one another at. I've seen it many times, I saw it with her the day I met her. I liked her and all, but I have to respect their relationship even if they disagree with me.

 

I may not tell my husband things when I should, but I eventually get around to it. Usually when I don't feel so vulnerable. I don't know how to not worry about everyone else and put myself first. It's never been in my makeup.

 

My side of the family is rather flaky or I should say my mother's side of the family, and I really don't have anything to do with them - their choice more than mine. I was estranged from my sister for years for reasons I never understood. However, when we moved back here, she and I learned to be friends again, then sisters. It was awesome, but then all of sudden she pulled back, then sold her house and moved out of state without telling me goodbye. Saturday night, I get a call from her. She's all upset because she just learned I had cancer from a co-worker of mine. They moved back here a year ago and didn't let me or our dad know. We live in a small town and I hadn't run into her and noone told me she was back. Very strange. Anyway, I let her come over yesterday. She stayed for three exhausting hours. I never got an explanation as to why she left like she did or why she returned and kept it a secret. It went all right, but I really don't want the stress of having to renew a relationship with her and have her pull another disappearing act. She wants to help me through this. I love her to death, but I have so much on my plate. Probably the first time ever, I've thought of myself first. I just realized that.

 

I'm feeling really depressed now. I think I'll take the ativan and curl up with my son's yorkipoo and watch a movie.

 

Hugs,

 

Becky

 

 

 

Yes, it's ok to send my private messages.

 

Becky

you are having such a rough time, I'm really sad to be reading about it. How are you going, physically, now?

Maybe keep taking the meds? Take the anxiety away, you don't need it right now. You need to focus all your energy on healing. Have you met the medical oncologist yet? Sorry if you have already told me.... chemo brain, mum brain and Christmas does not equal a good memory!

Must be so tough for the kids to see their mum go through this... I guess I am *lucky* in some ways in that my kids are so young - they are less interested in other people (yep, even mum!), lol. But I do have school social workers and psychologists talking to them, so I have called in the troops to make sure if there is any sign they are struggling, we are on top of it. And we are in a difficult time of the year, in many ways, with such a focus on family and friends and festivities and 'having fun'. Can be hard to stay on top of it, emotionally, with all that going on around you.

I was also sad to read about your son's friend. How devastating for him, his friends and family. Must be awful as a parent to see your child go through such an illness. I would take on cancer 1000 times over if it meant my children never had to experience it. Reading that news humbled me and reminded me that I may well be one of the 'lucky ones' and beat this disease away. He isn't so lucky and many aren't. My heart hurts for them. I hope with all my being that the next lot of drugs kill the tumors and he lives well.

Sandra

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