Hello - Recently Diagnosed

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Hi,  
My name is Becky, age 52, caucasian. Early October, I found my lump and had pain in my pit on my right side. I'm an obsessive breast checker since my family is full of breast cancer and other types with recurrances. I check every week. One week it wasn't there and the next it was. At first I thought it was a result of being elbowed during a busy night at work. Which was of particular interest when I mentioned it. I'm in food service. So, I watched it and when it didn't go away in a few days, I panicked. My first thoughts was I didn't want to miss out on my grandkids, I didn't want them to know me through selective memories or pictures. And I didn't want to lose my hair - why that frightened me I don't know. I'm the least vain person I know. The next thought was, how do I tell my husband. I didn't want to disrupt his hunting season nor put a damper on the holidays. 

I had an appointment with my primary already scheduled a week later so I was going to wait. I couldn't. I knew he'd yell at me. So, I made the call to my GYN office. The only person available to see me was a nurse midwife - I had my doubts and left the office with doubts. She was in the room all of three minutes. She told me it was a cyst, but she'd have a mammogram scheduled to make sure. As she left the room she added that she'd order a sonogram just in case they wanted to do one. The next afternoon, I had the mammogram date and time. It was then I told my husband. He's been absolutely wonderful and has been with me at every single appointment.

I had to reschedule my appointment with my primary in order to make the mammogram appointment. I knew when the doctor ordered a view of the lump and my arm pit from the side after the initial pictures there was something to worry about. They did the sonogram immediately after and I saw it on the doctors face and the way he stood and looked at me. All he would say though was that he didn't like the look of the lymph node. He ordered the biospies which was a week later. 

A different doctor did the biopsies and she had the same look on her face and said the same thing like it was a standard script. I'd been scheduled to get the results by phone and she had a fit, insisting I must come in for the results. It was confirmed the next day, October 25 - I had breast cancer. I swear my head spun around and did a double take. Why I don't know. I knew I had cancer. I guess having it confirmed. She'd already told my husband, I realized later. He didn't reach out and touch me, he waited for me to turn to him. Our conversation before we were told made more sense suddenly. 

I remember staring at the doctor while she talked. I don't recall much of what she said. I didn't cry until she stood to leave the room, leaving a nurse to give me the low down and tissues. A packet of information I didn't want. She went through it and all I remember thinking is 'I don't need that stuff'. 

I was then scheduled to come back and meet with the surgeon and other staff that would be involved in my care. We were left alone to talk. All I kept thinking was, how was I going to tell our four sons.  the three older ones had just gotten married. Their bliss was going to be disrupted. It wasn't fair. However, they took it much better than I expected. My youngest is 18 and he walked around for a week saying, "Mom, you're going to be fine, JUST FINE." Three of them plan on shaving their heads when I lose mine. I told them they can do artwork on my head, because I refuse to wear a wig or anything else to hide it.

I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2. My breast tumor was 2.5cm and my lymph node tumor was 3.9cm.

My primary was stunned at the news. I'd had my annual mammogram in March and they checked out clogged milk ducts in the left breast at that time, but nothing showed for the right breast. He put me on ativan. I'd had a bad anxiety attack earlier in the year which landed me in the hospital to make sure I didn't have a heart attack. He later added paxil to the mix and wants me to ween off the ativan which I've been doing. That's been hard. Every time I read up on TNBC or chemo I want to run for the bottle, but I haven't this week. He told me to take Tylenol PM, because I couldn't sleep more than fifteen twenty minutes at a time then I'd toss and turn, sleep another fifteen twenty minutes until I got tired of it and got up. It's helped me sleep two hours at a time and occasionally three. 

By the time we met with the surgeon our initial decision to have a bilateral masectomy was set in stone. The surgeon, however, wanted to do breast conservation. I was stunned. With my family history and being TN, why would she want to go that route? We stuck to our guns and on November 25 I had a bilateral masectomy and came home with three drains, I jokingly call utters - one on the left and two on the right. There was no real pain after surgery. That came days later when feeling started to return. The hospital staff was puzzled by my lack of need for pain medication and that I was up and walking without help the next morning. That's me. I've been able to do for myself here at home. It would have drove me crazy to follow what they wanted. They wanted me to never be alone, to have someone help me to the bathroom, to bring me drink, food, and meds while I lay on the couch. I can't have someone around all the time, makes me worse than irritable. I need my solitude and privacy.

I went in for my post op yesterday. She removed the drain that was ready to be removed on the right and removed the left because it was infected and not working properly. I return to have my chest drained next Tuesday. I still have one drain that is showing no signs of being ready to remove anytime soon.

During this visit she told me I was Stage 3 which contradicted what her assistant told me last week when she called with the pathology results. On my way out, I was given a copy of my pathology report. It described my breast tumor as "exhibiting marked variation in size and shape, occasionally with very large and bizarre forms". I was amused by the description, but knew it to be true. I'd felt all that in the lump. It also says I'm pT2 and pN1 which according to the chart is Stage 2b, so I don't know why she told me I'm Stage 3. The report does say it was spreading to surrounding tissue even though the margins were clean. Eight nodes were removed and only the one was positive. 

After surgery, my surgeon told my husband that she was able to save one nerve, but not another which she had warned us of. However, the day after surgery she was stunned to find I had feeling in the back of my upper arm. She says I shouldn't from the loss of the nerve. I have no place where I have no feeling.

I'm scheduled to meet with the oncologist on the 22nd to discuss and set up chemo. At least I don't have to start it right before Christmas like I feared. 

We really do have a great attitude about it all. I do have moments where I read up and find the information overwhelming or read forums and chats where there is so much unfavorable news that I panic and get depressed. I have to back away and digest and regroup. It's normal I know, but it's kind of scary to know we can't breathe easy for several more years. 

I still don't sleep well and doubt I will for the next five years.

My husband is so positive that once chemo is over that will be the end of it. I keep reminding him of the facts of TNBC, because I don't want him to be floored if we're faced with another round next year and so on. No one wants to think about it, but it's our reality.

How can such a short time seem like a lifetime? And this doesn't touch on the work side of my life and how it's affected that.

Hugs,

Becky