My friend Deanna

I accompanied her to a visit to an oncologist in the Midwest and he gave us sobering news. At dinner that night I told her what I always tell folks “please try to find the beauty in each day.” She nodded, seemingly deep in thought/pre-occupied and did not respond. At that point, she was very upset over the loss of her hair, due to chemo, and also was having weight problems. But, she ordered dessert and said “what the heck.” It was flourless chocolate cake with ice cream and I think some sort of chocolate sauce...She bit into it and closed her eyes, happily, and said “Steve, I have just found the beauty in today” and then we both cracked up. I can still see her delight and I also can hear her laugh.

 

One of the most memorable incidents was when I was trying to help the elderly mother (93) of a friend. She was suffering from paranoid schizophrenia and my friend was overwhelmed. I reached out to Deanna, hoping she might have a thought and she did and as she started to tell me her suggestion she was hit with a monster, painful, coughing jag caused by her lung mets. I asked her to call me back and she said “no, I am very tired and I want to get my thoughts out to you.” She coughed for another minute (but if felt like an hour) and then she told us to make sure the patient saw a geriatric psychiatrist. That professional absolutely turned things around with some meds he prescribed. That was Deanna, smart and compassionate. I shall always remember that incident and her insight and kindness. Several weeks later I was visiting the elderly patient and her daughter and I asked Deanna if it would be o.k. if she spoke to my friend who wanted to thank her. I put her on the phone and they had a wonderful conversation.

Another highlight for me was Deanna coming to California, with her best friend, to, among other things, meet my wife. During the day, I drove them to Malibu and we soaked in the view from Pepperdine in the hills above the ocean. It was a gorgeous day and I know Deanna had the experience engraved in her hard drive. I had spoken, many times, to Deanna about my wife and I am so glad we shared a meal. They liked each other and my wife knitted her a cap, that Deanna loved.

Recently, I met her at another clinical trial site and got a tour of the cancer center and met many of the nurses who were involved in her care/treatment. I wrote to them yesterday about Deanna and uniformly I received such lovely responses from them. They had all been deeply affected by her and her attitude, even in the face of therapy that failed her.

Last year we celebrated her birthday, pretty sure she would not see her 40th but the dinner was filled with love and laughter. It was beautiful and I was honored to attend. The support and love Deanna received from her friends over the last 18 months was truly inspirational. There will be no services; instead there will be a 40th birthday celebration in her memory. 

Another lovely light extinguished way, way too early. Every night I pray for all here and for a cure. Someday....In the meantime, there is this ache in my heart.

I shall miss you, dear Deanna, and I shall always carry you in my heart.

with my love,

Steve

p.s. when someone so young passes, often, rightly so, thoughts go to the children. In this case, there are no children but even if there were my thoughts always, also, go to the parents. As a father of six and grandfather of three, I can’t ‘go’ there. I was ‘there’ when my daughter was first dx with TNBC at the age of 36. But I have sublimated those thoughts, most of the time successfully.

For Deanna’s parents, my heartfelt condolences. She was a lovely person and loved you both, dearly. My heart is with you.