our beloved Eileen F is gone-update

I went to Eileen’s wake....The evening session started at 7 p.m. and I think I arrived around about 7:01 and there were already a 100 people there. Hundreds of friends just kept coming and coming and I watched the interactions. There was a profound authenticity to the deep grief and love expressed. The family displayed over a hundred photographs of Eileen...as a child....a young bride....a young mother....and on and on through the years. It was a touching, beautiful memorial to a lovely woman. One could see that the essence of Eileen was consistent over the years. Everyone I spoke to had their own special stories about her. 

I had the privilege of meeting her sister and eldest daughter, A., for the first time. They made me feel at home and comfortable. I shall carry their warm words in my heart and I can still feel A.’s head buried in my chest as I kissed the top of her head. Tears we both needed to shed and hugs we both needed. Thank you, A. I have to smile as months ago T. told me how close Eileen and her sister, T., were. “Steve, we would have plans to go out to dinner with her sister...and on the way over to see her they would talk on the phone for 30 minutes. I didn’t think they would have anything left to talk about.” At which point, Eileen chimed in with “but we always did, didn’t we?” and we all laughed. So nice to finally meet you.

I told T. about this thread and how I had left much information blank and did he want to leave things as I had posted. He said “we are very private people and yes, please leave it as it is.” Then he looked around the packed rooms and said “I guess you would never know it by all the people here, but we were private.” 

This morning I printed up three copies of this thread to give to T. and Eileen’s daughters. I thought I would give them to T. tomorrow, at the services, but Eileen’s family has already been reading them and they were so, so appreciative of all of the beautiful thoughts and condolences expressed. 

The family requested that I post Eileen’s desire that any contributions in her memory be made to either-

TNBC Foundation

IBC Global Alliance

(donation details to follow hopefully today)

I would also like to thank my friend, Valerie Fraser, a wonderful IBC survivor and patient advocate for all of the help she gave Eileen and countless others with IBC.

T., I know you do not want it said but I feel I need to say it. There was a poignant elegance about you tonight. You handled everything with such beautiful grace and strength. My heart is with you.

I think Eileen’s daughter, A., said it best “I am so proud of the kind of person my mother was.” 

whipped, but somehow I can’t sleep,

Steve

Thank you so much for sharing a special part of Eileen.  Your words help us get to know this dear friend that most of us were never able to meet in person, but felt close to her as we shared her journey on this forum.  Eileen was an amazing woman and the lives she touched will be forever changed.  May her family find some comfort in knowing she made a difference to so many.

Hugs,

Donna

The Eulogy A. Wrote:

 

My mother was a lot of things. She was and will always be to me the kind of untouchable hero a mom is when you're five. As you get older you learn your parents are people and you see them less as superheros. But not my mom, because no matter how old I got or how big the problem, she could still fix it. No matter what was going on with her, she put me first. She had a way with people, everyone loved her. The only flaw I ever saw in my mom was that she loved too much. She was so loving you could feel it. In twenty-three years, with all I put her through, I never questioned her love for me. And that includes crashing my car... into hers... in the driveway... even then, I knew, she loved me. She was wickedly funny. She was intelligent. She was no nonsense.  And she was wise. It was a joke we had- I'd come to her for advice and sometimes I'd listen, and things would work out. Sometimes I wouldn't listen. Then things wouldn't work out. And every time I'd come back to her and admit things hadn't gone as I'd hoped, and she say "What was that Allison" and I'd say "You were right, I should've  listened to my mother."

 

More than anything else my mother was the bravest person I've ever met, and I'm sure everyone here would agree. She fought, so hard, every step of the way. She went to chemo, she went to radiation, she went through multiple operations. She tried experimental drugs, and she did things on a daily basis, that I could never imagine doing, in her fight to survive. She mentored other women battling the same illness. But not once did she complain, in fact she barely took her painkillers. She never moaned over her situation, or mentioned the massive pain and discomfort she felt. And she didn't cry over how unfair it was, though the rest of us did. I have to say, she was our strength, still taking care of all of us, even though she was the one who was so unfairly sick. That's who she was, she was strong and caring. She was capable. She handled her illness like she handled everything, with grace, and dignity. I am so proud to be her daughter, and so lucky to have had her as my mother. I know that we are all happy to have known her. Her way of accepting the negative and focusing on the positive was unique in its strength. Her influence is far spread and lasting. Simply put, she was wonderful. Mom, I can promise you, you have changed us all for the better. 

 

I want to add that she couldn't have done it without my father. He was her rock. We are all so impressed and proud of him. He truly made every harsh fact of life with cancer easier for her. And of course, none of us would have made it without M. whose help and humor has made every burden lighter.

 

Aunt T. and Grandpa, we couldn't have made it through these last two weeks without you, thank you so much for everything. You have both been amazing. Aunts, uncles and cousins, you guys have taken such great care of us, especially these last few days, thank you.

 

My mother, with her eternal wisdom had the foresight to write something that I want to share with you all now.

 

Eileen's Eulogy:

 

Hello, if you are listening to this then I guess I am now one of the "dearly departed". I want to thank you all for coming. I know eulogies are tough. You have given me so much, making my life richer. I hope I have given back enough to you.

 

Over the past year as I thought about dying and what I leave behind of myself I really hoped that I left behind something good, of value, that helped others. I did a lot of mentoring and always tried to help out other people to be successful. Working with the domestic abuse victims and youth at risk with the YWCA has been great. I have loved seeing the success of the women. But the most rewarding has been time with family and friends. People will remember the Eileen who just said it like it is, no holds barred, the B. G. co-op board member, Eileen board member of the ALS, Eileen the 5th grade chair mom, Eileen the wife, cousin and friend. But what about the people who truly knew me- ups, downs, warts, make up, big poofy hair or chemo bald?

 

During the last year I was so humbled to receive strength and support from so many people, words and acts of kinds that amazed me. I realize the impact we all made on each other. The fact that my B G childhood friends would leave their husbands and kids and busy, busy lives to spend a weekend with me to cheer me on and give T. a break is amazing. A. to take time away and organize a dinner patrol for a few weeks when I was in the hospital and didn't know if i was coming out. Everyone else sending food, and good wishes. The visits and company were cherished. And the kind words of what we meant to each other totally amazed me. I learned that if all of you very, very special people thought enough of me to do this then I must be leaving something positive behind, because you all wouldn't waste your time on junk. I've enjoyed knowing you all and hope you remember me as part of your good times, and don't focus on sadness and grief.

 

For my family while you may not see me at family occasions I will be there in your hearts. Think about the fun times we had, not about me missing things, because in spirit I will be there- but only if you are thinking happy positive thoughts! Don't let grief wear you down.  My family has always meant so much to me, T. has been the best most supportive husband a person could ask for. Time and time again he amazed me with the depth of his love, and the strength and courage he gave me as we battled this illness together. T. who never left my side, keeping me laughing and taking such good care of  me 24/7, not only physically but emotionally. Getting my head shaved, drives for chemo where I would be quiet and pensive because I knew what was coming, and T. would resort to corny jokes to snap me out of it, surgeries, chemo, doctors, doctors, doctors, driving to Philly for treatment, and taking care of the kids and house too. I have been very blessed to have such a wonderful, caring husband. M. who came home from school to sit and take care of me. Dropping her after school clubs and play dates so I was not alone M. never once complained when I needed or asked for anything, she would get it without complaint- a rare  thing for a 13 year old. A. struggled to keep things normal on the outside as she crumpled on the inside, spending the night at the hospital with me, doing the laundry, taking M. on outings, and moving back home to help. T. must own the bridges between Westchester and Queens she  paid so many tolls coming up to cook visit clean do laundry and to give M. a break by taking her somewhere.T. and M-K coming to give me mani pedis. K. coming up days and nights to take care of me while T. worked, sometimes bringing Aunt E. to visit and help take care of me and M. All my neighbors for sending dinner.

 

My two daughters A. and M. could not make me prouder with their love, support, caring, and outlook on life. I tried to instill in them an optimism for life. Things happen, as long as we have each other every thing will be fine. Our love is unconditional, and they have demonstrated this throughout these rough years. I will forever be proud and love them. T. is sister extraordinaire. Her selflessness cannot be described, her efforts to help and care for all of our family is unprecedented. My cousins, what can i say, we re-bonded and could be one from cousins weekends filled with love and laughter, to fundraising walks, holidays etc we are one!   For my friends I hope you remember our good times I thought of them often during my illness and they kept me smiling and laughing.

 

Many people often said I was strong or amazing with a  great attitude as I went through my cancer battle. It was easy to do this because of the great memories I have and the awesome support given to me.

...............

Dear Eileen,

I miss you. I will try my best to stay positive and remember our good times and the laughs we had...your words and A.’s were simply beautiful.

Steve

Donna