there is a deep ache in my heart tonight

I'm so sorry Steve, I can feel your pain from reading your post.  This is heartbreaking, just heartbreaking.  I don't know how you do what you do helping all of us and the emotional toll it must take.  We are all better for your passion and love you give to others hoping to make their journey a little easier.  Be kind to yourself.  I hate this disease so much.  No one should pass in their 20's from this disease.  It takes too many women, young, beautiful women.

I have such deep respect for those with Tneg and for their families, friends and advocates who jump into their journey with them, all without the benefit of any other warriors' armour. Our shields are our determination to keep attacking; our hope that somehow the chemo is the right match and that it will be enough; that all the thousands of pieces of complication will narrow into a simple solution, the death of our tumors.

To stand by, sometimes to help make life saving decisions, but still standing by as each way point is chosen is in itself heroic. Certainly many many people just can't do it and then some just don't have the choice.

But I heard a wonderful song the other day. It's not on you tube, but it's part of a wonderful album from an old time folk singer. And the line that stuck with me is from "Tall Ships" and it is

'My heart is in the wind'

It's meant to be a sailor's song but now I'm going to add that I will love the spring breezes, the soft summer freshening and think of all the hearts that are up there in the wind, together.

I also saw a wonderful poem for a friend:
   Do not stand at my grave & weep
   I am not there. I do not sleep
   I am the thousand winds that blow,
   I am the diamond glints of snow
   I am the gentle autumn rain
   As you awake with morning's hue
   I am the swifts up flinging rush of quiet birds
     in circling flight
   I am the soft starlight of night
   Do not stand at my grave & cry
   I am not there. I am all around you.

Love
   Mainy

Edited by mainsailset - Mar 24 2014 at 1:41pm

Steve,

Thank you all for writing..Mainy, the poem is lovely.

Steve,

Welcome to Australia Steve!
Georgia Xx

Hi Steve,

Steve,
You are truly a hero to everyone on this forum.  When you hurt, we all hurt.
Your selfless devotion to all inspires me to be a better person.
I hope you enjoy your vacation - you deserve a fabulous rest.
Thank you for all you do...every day...every week...every year.
With best regards,
Janice

Steve, So sorry for the loss of the young woman that you were helping. I really don't know how you do what you do......you are truly a blessing for families and patients.

I had a loss a little over a month ago of a neighbor who was diagnosed with TNBC about a year after my own diagnosis. She was almost identical to myself in every respect. She was 3 years older than me and her cancer was 3.7 cm vs my own at 3.5 cm. She had at least one node involved. She was on the same chemo as me. We would talk about every 2 weeks. We spoke the day before she was to have her 11th of 12 taxol treatments. When she didn't call the following week I gave a call to her husband only to find out she was in intensive care due to a toxic reaction to taxol and 3 weeks later she died of those complications. I am still in disbelief that she is gone. She was very scared of the chemo and was worried about having radiation down the road. We had so many talks about her impending surgery and rads. I don't know how you do what you do all the time. This really was such a disappointing outcome and I was so sad about it and she was a 63 year old woman. I know I did help her get through what she did get through and I know she felt better about it all knowing my outcome. We don't really know what life has in store for us. I guess I feel like I gave her hope and I know she lived her life to the fullest.   I can just imagine how sad you must have felt - a woman in her 20's with a whole life ahead of her.

Have a wonderful holiday in Australia! You deserve a break. wishing you the best as you enjoy each and everyday of your vacation.