didnt see this coming

 Well, getting ready to start radiation to lymph nodes to neck, Dr called tonight and said blood work is great and tumor marker starting to stabilize with the doxcil.However it also means that if one area starts getting active the others do too. Beacause its all breast cancer.I didnt know this.

I'm doing whole brain rads and working full time too. It's starting to get hard now. But that brain rads seems much more intense than my other breast, nodes, etc. rads that I got before. Now I have to take so much of that decadron too, and it makes me feel ill. But they had to stop the chemo temporarily for that kind of rads. Something about the skin becoming sensitive on the head and peeling off. But 3 weeks with no chemo, and I think there is activity already with my skin, so I know I need chemo. 

Chemo and rads together might make you a wee bit tired...I forewarned my boss that at the end of this wbr I'd be taking a day and a half off to recoup. I also got a letter from the rad doc saying how this kicks butt in the tired area.

Sunbearz, you might find you will need to take it easy at some point during the course of your treatment...just to get your bearings.

Hugs,
Ferne

 I dont have disability insurance, When youve had BC for 10 years every ins co runs.Im the one who says bring it on I can take it as I did 10 yrs ago. However I know im not as physically in shape as I was then.I dont bounce back as well.Im starting to hear your points on taking time off from work and get rest. Even a long lunch hour. I do feel sleep deprived.

Hi Ferne,

I too do not have insurance other than the VA now.  I dealt with working and going through all of the surgeries, and with 7 of those in a year I couldnt work during chemo.  I chose to be home with my son and walk him home from school.  Since he is the only one I will have I am smothering him with kisses.    He is my inspiration, my love, my 6 year old little boy.

Edited by Stacy - Jan 22 2008 at 5:20am

 I start rads in feb. Im already tired.I took some advice and took a long lunch hour and am going to talk to my office manager about an easier position.I have to work full time for my insurance, But If I dont feel like working Ill call in, or rearrange my chemo so I can get an afternoon off.

 This is really tough. I feel like Im up against a wall and am sitting down wondering what to do or what I can  do.Ive just admitted defeat at work and I was wonderwoman.Im the one who makes others feel better and laugh.I feel like an outsider and defeated.I need a good cry but the tears wont come.I want to be angry but at what.My family is saying you can do this and we need you.We love you.Inside Im feeling where is the strength going to come from? The tears are coming as I write this.

Dear Sunbearz,

I just read your most heartfelt post. Thank you for trusting us to share your inner most thoughts with.

I think the biggest lesson I had to learn when I went through treatment was to let others in more closely. My toughest struggle was not the physical things I had to go through. My toughest challenge was having my image, the one I held of myself being chipped away. My image of never needing to be taken care of was not true. I was human and I could crack. I think that thought was tougher than losing my hair or having my breast altered.

This imagery helped me; maybe it will be useful for you too. When I am struggling with a huge problem it helps me to imagine a little girl I am taking care of. In this story, this little girl is very sick. She’s been fighting for 5 years. Now the doctors have told her she has to do another treatment. She is sad. She is scared. She is tired of the fight tonight. How would you help her get through the night if you were her mother?

Would you tell her to buck up and go to school in the morning? Would you tell her to act like nothing was going on? Most likely you wouldn’t. You might scoop her in your arms, hold her very closely and tell her she is not alone. You might let her rest her head on your shoulder and tell her it is okay to be sad. This has been hard. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to hit your pillow. It’s okay to scream. It’s okay to be scared; and I will stay with you. You might stroke her hair, sing to her or rock her on your lap till she falls asleep. Then you would tuck her in bed for the night.

Those of us who are caregivers can do these things for others, but we have a very hard time doing them for ourselves. Sometimes if we think about how we would console another person it will help you be more gentle with yourself. Hold yourself tenderlytonight and we will see you in the morning.

Warmly,
Sadie

 You all all such compassionate, warm, caring women. I called in sick today for some much needed sleep and me time.You gave me so much to think about.

Good morning Sunbearz and I hope taking yesterday off from work has helped you feel better.