Freaking out!

Hi Susan,

 

Aww Sweetie you aren't alone, I think we all worry with every ache and pain that it might be the Beast poking its ugly head once again, I know I have my days! You have to think positive, stress is so not good for you! When I start worrying I try to think of something that brings me pleasure, watch a romantic comedy, watch the cat play, whatever it takes to bring me out of that bad spot! You don't want to stay there too long sweetie.

 

It sure sounds like you hit it hard, so I believe you will be fine! Have you been working on changing your internal and external environment??? If you don't change your life style that allowed the cancer to invade you in the first place, chances are it could return.

 

If you aren't comfortable with your Doctor than its time to change Doc's!

 

Keep your chin up, and try and find some comfort you aren't alone.

 

Warm blanket of huggss to you!

Love, Bev

Edited by Yankeespie - Jun 08 2009 at 4:37pm

Hi, Susan.  The fear you write about grabs all of us, one way or another.  The truth is, you did all you could, all the chemo, the radiation and the surgery.  I did all I could too.  Now, we try to live as best we can, and let ourselves shake and cry when the fear casts it's long shadow over our lives.  It is largely out of our hands.  After treatment, some of us will have recurrences, and some won't.  We can't know in advance which group we belong to.  Only time will tell.  The odds are in your favor (at least 60-70% cured after treatment, even with a couple of positive nodes), but there are no guarantees.   So you have to find out what your temperament is like, and what that tells you about how to cope.  Some people can embrace optimism, and live well that way.  Others (like me) are less good at optimism, and instead try to approach a buddhist attitude of holding life lightly in one's hands, savoring each day and each loved one for the time we have, while trying to avoid grasping at life so tightly that hearing the words 'you have metastatic disease' will destroy us.  Watching others who have dealt with those words and their aftermath, and seeing how their spirits often soar despite progressing cancer.  Seeing courage in others and coming to know, little by little, that we possess the strength to see it through, no matter what happens.   I've done a lot of reading about dying, as well, and become acquainted with the idea of a 'good death'.  This brings me comfort as well, for if that's the way it's going sometime soon, I want to go there with as much beauty and style and meaning as possible.   We can make our suffering a teaching for others, just as the suffering of others and their humanity in the face of it is a teaching for us.  My friend Elle said to me that I have no choice but to make my path into a spiritual practice, for myself and others.  That is how I try to cope.  I rail, and fall, and rise, and fall again, and do it publicly, for myself and for others.  Because of course this is not just our path, but the path of every human being.  We are not alone, even though we may feel alone at times.   

Peace, sister.  Peace, and may you find your way through this very difficult terrain.  When you come upon a path that is right for you, you'll know.  It'll feel like home, a home you've never lived in before but familiar just the same.

Much love,
Denise (your sister in fear, suffering, and many moments of enlightenment)

Thank you all for your kind words.  I know I am not alone, it just feels that way sometimes.  I hope, I pray, that is all I can do..all we can do!  Thank you so much. BTW I raised $10,000 for my local race for the cure last month!  Wowza! 

Susan, you raised $10,000! Wow, now that's an accomplishment you can be proud of, congratulations.

Laniefagan - isn't that a great feeling?? Don't be suprised if you still lose some but just knowing that your body is strong and fighting its way back to normalcy is such a reassuring feeling.

Thank you Suzie!!!  My dad calls me Suzie.  Thank you so much for your reply - I so enjoyed reading it.  Yes, you are right about being softer and tougher at the same time that is for sure!  You were just diagnosed and looks like you have a handle on things - good for you!!!  I cannot watch "Stepmom" after being diagnosed - but I know the scene you are referring to!!  You rock!! Susan

Hi Susan,

Edited by trip2 - Jun 11 2009 at 5:39pm

Dear Susan,

my daughter was dx with aggressive TNBC in 2004...we are two months away from five years NED for her. I can't say that this is over for her but the five year marker we have been told is important.

Having said all that whenever she goes for her surveillance she is nervous, as am I. I guess about six months ago the doctor found something "I don't like" as part of Digital Rectal Exam. She wound up having imaging done and by the time she was scheduled whatever it was disappeared and was not there on a subsequent DRE.

I think it is hard to understand the angst unless you have gone through cancer/chemo...My daughter had four months of AC/TAXOL and that experience has changed her life, I believe, forever.

As a parent who lost his mother to metastatic breast cancer when I was 20...I find that the memory of that, at times, is still raw. and on some deeply sublimated level I live in fear that my daughter's cancer will return but she has done whatever she can to give herself the best chance of long-term survival. With each passing day I feel slightly more relaxed but the worry never seems to totally disappear. To be honest, I doubt it ever will.

The other thing I have experienced in my life is watching how my loved ones handled things...my grandfather who lost his wife to ovarian cancer when they were both in their late 40's was shattered by that experience..
my mother was as well..my grandmother was 19 when she gave birth to my mom. From what I understand they were each other's best friend. It was so painful for my grandfather and my mom that they never talked about it. When my mom passed my grandfather went into a state that can
perhaps be best described as "humorless."

I, until I went to a marvelous therapist named Karen Hurley at MSKCC after my daughter was dx, was NEVER able to speak about my mother without crying..I still find myself with that constricted feeling in my throat but I am better.

I am mentioning all of this in the context of what is available to all of us now and that are the wonderful sites like TNBCF. It is so marvelous to be able to reach out to others who "get it." So important to be able to share the dark thoughts.

Susan, sorry so long-winded but we hear you...I believe time has helped my daughter and it will help you as well. Try, as best you can, to dig deep and enjoy life as much as you can. Try to find some joy in everyday...and if some days are just rotten...well there is tomorrow.

wishing you..all the best..and a 100 years NED,

Steve