Crazy swollen everything

Do you remember those aluminum coffee makers that had the clear plastic bubble on top and you can look at it spurting and brewing? That is how I feel this morning. Heather is percolating. I can feel my spirit coming back, and brewing deep inside me. My happy level, or my spirit, or my soul, or my joy is starting to warm up, and I just get hit with tears of joy..not bawling. Just a few drops here. But mainly it just feels like home. Home in my own skin. And this, I guess is where the grief is, because now that I am typing this, I am crying again. But a little more than just tears. I have just really really really truely missed ME. Me, had to go some place, and I can't wait (my tears are dripping down to my chest) till this is all gone, to go and get her.
Its something only I can do, on my own. When I feel safe to do it.
I mean, I have an Advance Life Directive on my table here in the hospital. It is the mature thing to do, to have a will so that my Sis and D wouldn't have to decide to what to do with me. But, my naive 33 year old, 7 1/2 months ago self, wouldn't have it on my table at home. I would have put it off. It reminds me of the day I got diagnosed, and the first surgeon I met with asked me if I had one, and if I didn't I should get one done.
She is right. And this is needing to be done out of that not safe place. I have a few big hitters for goals for myself when I come out of this. One is that I do not allow myself to live in the future, one of the life changing lessons of cancer, and not think about, "my stats for the next three years." I do need to spew about it every in a while, because it is scary. All the other breast cancers have medications to treat what their cancer feeds on to keep it at bay. But mine doesn't. And that is why I did so much chemo and rads, being just a stage one. A stage one, that had a deep BC that went 1 cm into my pec mmls. That is scary to me. That it just wasn't in my boob. That it had traveled into the muscle. But that is where I have to stop my mind, myself.
So, I haven't cracked that damn book, but will. Maybe over a cup of warm tea. When I am all done with my treatment in a few months. For those of you that don't know this, I am a tea whore. I covet tea. I sniff and drink tea, like the hipsters do these days wine. I have stopped drinking tea since chemo, because I love it so much that I didn't want to risk hating it when I am done. But I will make my will and my what if scenarios, just in case, the chance happens.