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A nagging horror.My Sculpture Art Therapy. a video

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CrunchyGirl View Drop Down

Joined: Apr 07 2014
Location: United States
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    Posted: Apr 13 2016 at 4:08pm

I have been posting my journey on my Art blog. Here is the link for the video of my Survivor Goddess sculpture and description. Does anyone else feel this way about the subconscious and surgery?

 There is a nagging horror in the back of my subconscious that wants to acknowledged. 

When you go in for surgery they say" It's okay you 'll be asleep and drugged when you wake up, you won't remember a thing." You feel re-assured. But, even if your consciousness is knocked out I think your subconscious is wide awake, paralyzed and screaming. I still have a vague memory of it all somehow, the cuts were felt. I actually went through the surgery twice, the second time was 6 hours of  scar tissue getting cut away. I woke up in the O.R. that time and felt every single cut (someone F'd up and didn't give me drugs before) So, I did feel what the subconscious felt that time, and it was a horror I'll never forget. 

I guess this sculpture is a way of assuring the subconscious that I know, and it really is okay.  I don't think the body understands cancer, it's the ultimate infiltrator, your own cells turning against you. It's not a virus to be fought, or a broken organ, I don't feel like the subconscious understands that it has to be cut out.

Sorry if this is disturbing to some, but I make art, and art is life. Sometimes life is F'd up, and the subconscious fights to be heard. I'd love to make only beautiful, happy, pink and gold pretties, but that's not authentic to my life.

And I know there's other survivors out there, or even others traumatized by surgery and not sure why, so this is for them, an attempt to understand.

I can only make this now because I am finally in a space of Gratitude, acceptance, and motivation. Our Earth is inspiring and beautiful and I guess I'm glad to live in a modern era where anesthesia exists!

Edited by CrunchyGirl - Apr 13 2016 at 4:11pm
3cm in left 31yrs 4 Red devil, 12 taxol, neg nodes, surgery July 2014. Tumors shrunk by 1cm all negative. Now cancer Free!
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