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Husband Left 3rd Reoccurance

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LisaDhockeymom View Drop Down
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    Posted: Dec 05 2013 at 8:03am
Well after being married for 24 years and going thru my 3rd reoccurance for triple negative my husband left me. I was so confused he gave me some lame excuse and has since moved in with another female. I talked at my group meeting and the counselor said that this is actually more common than I thought. I have since moved back closer to family for the support I needed. I was just wondering if anyone else has had their spouse leave them while going thru treatment or after the cancer diagnose.
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Annie View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Annie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 05 2013 at 10:06am



      Dear Lisa,     I am so very sorry this is happening to you. It happened to me after 35 years of marriage. It is dreadful, inconsiderate, immature and selfish that your husband did this. This is not the way a Man should behave.   However as your Onc. said it happens as well as mine said the same along with the fact that many cannot cope with facing their own mortality so they run. Interesting isn't it, we cannot run...

                   I was devastated to say the least because I was not even on my feet. After treatment I had C. Diff and another year of IV for cellulites and then had to have a mastectomy as the cellulites had become chronic.   I then also learned that he had met another woman all the while I was going through all this post treatment infections and IVs and surgeries and was living with her. Talk about a slap in the face. It all boggled my mind and caused me tremendous pain. However I now 3 years later realize I am so much better off without him.

                    I will PM you and if you would like to talk please do so. If I can be of ANY help please allow me as I know how this type of abandonment pierces the heart and soul so very very deeply.

                    God Bless You and I will pray for you. Love, Annie


                  

                                                        
Annie TNBC Stage IIA Gr 3 1cm lesion 2/5 lymph nodes+ lumpectomy,FEC & D 30Rads finished(08/2009) BRCA- Chronic Cellulitis due to Radiation-- L.Mastectomy Jan 2012
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SagePatientAdvocates View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SagePatientAdvocates Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 05 2013 at 10:50am
Dear Lisa,

I am a volunteer patient advocate and most of the times the husbands have been wonderfully supportive but I have seen several instances where the husband just splits. 

One husband told his wife with Advanced Breast Cancer "I didn't sign up for this but don't worry, when it is over, I will come back for the kids." I actually said to her "he said what?" I just couldn't believe he said that, but he did. As the Church Lady used to say on SNL..."now, isn't that special?" Plus he told her "I don't love you anymore."

That woman called me and asked me "what should I do to get him back?" and while I never give medical advice I told her to let him go and concentrate on living her life, with her children, as best she could and also seek some psychological support with a therapist and to make sure the therapist 'gets it' regarding living with cancer. There are many good therapists who do 'get it' and generally can be referred by a social worker at your cancer center. It may help you to talk with a psychotherapist.

Maybe I was wrong in the above case but I felt his words were so harsh and unfeeling that she would be better off without him. When friends have told me about their problems I generally suggest a marriage counselor but in the case I mentioned above I personally would not want to try to salvage the relationship.

What you are describing, Lisa, is a horrible situation. My heart aches for you. Please dig deep and muster the energy you need to continue to fight your cancer and live your life as best you can. Please try to find the beauty in each day. I know that is easier for me to say/write than for you to do right now but please try. Try to keep as positive a focus as you can, despite these disasters. And, again, I know it is very difficult to do but please try. 

Also, please try to get some professional psychological support.

I am sure others here, from our wonderful TNBC family, will write in support and please know that you are not alone. We will be here for you.

warmly,

Steve


I am a BRCA1+ grandson, son and father of women affected by breast/oc-my daughter inherited mutation from me, and at 36, was dx 2004 TNBC I am a volunteer patient advocate with SAGE Patient Advocates
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote mainsailset Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 05 2013 at 11:20am
Annie, you always seem to bring courage and the deepest level of empathy and compassion to our family here when a member needs it most. I am in awe, again, of your heart.
Like Steve, having noticed the amazing strength of love that husbands here have demonstrated, it makes it all the more stark to hear the stories of men who take a walk. But for those that do take a walk, I doubt there are no words to describe the betrayal. I pity them almost as much as I'd like to shoot them.
 
What may be invisible here or under the radar screen, is the amount of energy it takes a woman undergoing treatment or post treatment to hold the hand of the man who can't cope. I have to assume that these men have an expectation of life, "I didn't sign on for this" and they may view Tneg as making them into a victim caretaker.
 
My dad used to say, Anyone can walk through the door and get the job. It's coming back day after day, year after year that is the real challenge.
 
I guess what I would hope is that friends and family will point out to you over and over again, you are not responsible for what your husband is lacking! May his new lady friend be a vampire!
dx 7/08 TN 14x6.5x5.5 cm tumor

3 Lymph nodes involved, Taxol/Sunitab+AC, 5/09 dbl masectomy, path 2mm tumor removed, lymphs all clear, RAD 32 finished 9/11/09. 9/28 CT clear 10/18/10 CT clear
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simplelife4real View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote simplelife4real Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 05 2013 at 12:03pm
Lisa,
All I can say is that we are here for you and will not leave.
Hugs,
Kay
DX Aug 2013 @ age 60, Stage 2b, grade 3, 2.3 Cm, node positive, BRCA-; neoadjuvant taxolx12 and ACx4:
2/13/14 LX and ALND-2mm residual in 2 nodes
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote TriplePositiveGirl Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 05 2013 at 4:25pm
Hi Lisa,

No one asks to have cancer, and dealing with the emotional, physical and mental aspects of this disease can be very difficult for everyone involved. I do hope you find the strength and support in your family to help you get through this horrible disease once again. I think you need 100% focus on yourself and your well-being - you certainly don't need any negative energy from your husband. Karma will get to him in the end...!

Best Wishes,
Lisa
Diagnosed Jan 2010; Stage IIa, grade 2, 3.2cm in rt. breast, no nodes and BRCA-. 4 cycles Carbo/Gemzar 3/10; Lump 6/10; 2 cycles carbo/gem after surgery 8/10; 35 Rads finished 12/1/10. NED.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Gabbyc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 07 2014 at 9:56pm
Hi Lisa, you are not alone I'm in the same situation. I was diagnose in July 2013, and on our way back from the hospital after having a mastectomy my husband told me he had made the decision of moving out. We have a 6 year old boy married for 7 years. He also gave me a lame excuse. I honestly don't even know what to feel or think all I want is to feel.
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Lillie View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lillie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 08 2014 at 9:50am
Dear Gabbyc and Lisa,
 
I am so sorry that you and many others have had to face such rejection at a time when you needed support the most.  I haven't experienced it, but I can pray and sympathize for you.
 
To me it really takes a lot of courage to keep going after such a slap in the face.  I am praying that all of you have found, or can find a way to go on, in spite of such rejection.
 
If it help, just know that you have a large group of women and men on this site wanting to help in any way possible. 
 
Annie's post above, gives me courage when she tells of what she has been through and came out a conqueror.   Bless you Annie for allowing the Lord to use you as an example to many others who are suffering such rejection at such a vulnerable time in your life.
 
God Bless,
Lillie
Dx 6/06 age 65,IDC-TNBC
Stage IIb,Gr3,2cm,BRCA-
6/06 L/Mast/w/SNB,1of3 Nodes+
6/06 Axl. 9 nodes-
8/8 thru 11/15 Chemo (Clin-Trial) DD A/Cx4 -- DD taxol+gemzar x4
No Rads.
No RECON - 11/2015-9 yrs NED
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