About a year ago a dear friend of mine was struggling with his battle with cancer and I spoke to an oncologist friend and asked his opinion about going to see him and did he think the visit could wait another month when I would be on the east coast and the visit could be made more easily/economically?
His response deeply resonated with me...”When someone has Stage IV cancer and is on heavy chemotherapy there are tremendous stresses on their body. The person may actually die from something else...a heart attack or massive stroke. I would encourage you to go now and see your friend while you can have an important visit.” To be honest, I followed the advice and I could have waited but in another situation six months ago the person I visited passed, unexpectedly, a few days after I saw her.
So, I wanted to pass along this advice, lovingly, to all of you. If you have a chance to see someone that you deeply care about, who is e.g. on home hospice please try to do so, sooner than later, rather than waiting for in-patient hospice because at times, the downward spiral can be swift and severe. I believe the visit will be more meaningful for you and your loved one. I also understand that some folks do not like to visit their friends/loved ones when they are sick. I have heard “I want to remember her as she was” etc. I understand that and I understand that the visit can be extremely painful but my head has always been from the perspective of the person who is sick. What does s/he want? If you feel your loved one would appreciate a visit, I would suggest going, if you are able.
I just made that decision a week ago. I wanted to see my friend when he was still mobile. We even went to a movie, Safe House that we enjoyed, even though he slept for about 1/2 hour during the film. It was the first time in many, many months that he went to a movie and the talk we had on the way there and the way home was very profound and important and the words just seem to flow naturally from our hearts. I am very happy I made the trip. I spoke to his wife, yesterday, around lunch time and he was in a deep sleep and she understandably did not want to wake him so I spoke to him briefly last night. He was exhausted. It seems, that in the last few days his decline has continued and again I am ‘glad’ I went....and I know you know what I mean when I say I am ‘glad’....I was tremendously sad to see him in the physical condition he is in but I can still feel the embrace from my friend and his wife when I left Saturday. The love that flowed between us will be with the three of us, always.
I am writing about situations where it is very hard to visit because of the distances involved. Obviously, if you are close by and can visit a friend in a home-hospice situation and can continue visiting in a in-patient hospice situation I would encourage you to do both. I have held the hand of a dying person who I was told was in coma and I have asked the person if she could hear me and I got a hand squeeze in return...several times. I was able to express my love to her and I know she got the message even though her lips did not move. You may never know if a person felt your touch/love but I would rather err on the side of trying.
These thoughts have been bubbling around in this old soul for quite some time. Thankfully this forum exists so that I could express them. If anyone would like to share, please do so. I know this is a very painful topic but maybe sharing can help.
with my love for all here,
Steve
p.s. I would also suggest that for those of you going through a hospice experience personally or supporting a loved one that you make use of the psychological support a hospice social worker can offer and/or a hospice chaplain. They are especially trained to help patients and their loved ones.
Edited by steve - Apr 01 2012 at 8:03am