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Divorce/Laws help after TNBC

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prissy View Drop Down
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    Posted: Jun 18 2010 at 4:26pm
Have any of you been dumped--emotionally, financially, and physically(asked for divorce and moved out) after chemo, dbl mast, etc?
My husband of 10 ys just couldn't handle the inconvience of having a "sick" wife, and have been struggling to make  it on my own teacher salary waiting for divorce court date of July 30. He threatened to kick me out physically August 09 and filed for "general indignities" divorce. It has taken 10 months to get a court date.
My lawyer is going to fight for me to get a settlement, and I am trying to gather some facts for him re: TNBC, chemo side effects that don't pass after the chemo has stopped, etc. My teeth need 8,000.00 work done on them,I need a skin graft on one of my teeth where the chemo ate away at my gums, I have polymyalgia rheumatica in my shoulders and neck, bills the insurance didn't pay, need a half knee replacement-can't get operated on until I have the money to pay him ahead of time, because he charges more than Blue Cross pays. It goes on and on as I am sure many of you are well aware of. Some of these are directly related to the chemo--some due to aging- I'm 52.
I need some advice from any of you re: where to get recurrence stats, morbidity/mortality rates, long term side effects facts, etc.
Anything that my lawyer (male) can use to help me get some financial relief.
I raised his children the last 7 years, and none of them will speak to me. He has told them that I am trying to "steal" their college money.
He hasn't worked in 3-4 years, just plays in a band for fun. His father died less than a year before he filed for divorce and left him a monthly inheiratance of 100,000.00 to 50K per month. I am not entitled to that money because his dad was a great lawyer and the house wasn't even in my name. So, basically-I am left with debt and 2,000.00 per month to live on, no assets to even begin to put down as collateral on a house.
I am not trying to "take him to the cleaners", but I don't know what I will do without some help. He offered me 10,000.00 for a settlement.So, we are going to court.
I have looked online, searching Cancer/Divorce, but most of what I am finding are articles about the law re: if you are fired or if insurance doesn't pay . . .things like that.
CAN ANY OF YOU HELP ME WITH A LINK OR ADVICE ON HOW TO HELP MY LAWYER HELP ME?
THANK YOU LADIES. I AM THANKFUL TO BE CANCER "FREE" FOR 2 YEARS AFTER CHEMO/DBL MAST. THAT IS A BLESSING.
He wasn't very supportive during my treatment, but I never expected him to do this.
PRISSY 53 y/o cauc dx10/07 no nodes GR3 St IIb CT+4,ADRYx4 ClinTrial Avas#NCT00203503
Remarried 7/11

LAST CHEM 5/08 DBL/MAS 6/08
2/09 TIA 55%BLOCK LCAROTID.Divorced 7/30/10.No reconst yet
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote TNBC_in_NS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jun 18 2010 at 5:17pm
Diag@57TNBC04/092.5cm Lquad 05/09 TCx4Radsx30CT03/01/10 FU03/31/10ClearBRCA- 01/2011 RTNBC BMX 06/14/2011~2013 clear
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prissy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote prissy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jun 18 2010 at 5:40pm
You are right--I believe in Kharma. I live in Arkansas- and he can get a divorce after we have been apart 18 months without any settlement.
I am hoping to hear from others who have had TNBC, that have been asked for divorce. The laws are vague.
I don't know what a torte is.
PRISSY 53 y/o cauc dx10/07 no nodes GR3 St IIb CT+4,ADRYx4 ClinTrial Avas#NCT00203503
Remarried 7/11

LAST CHEM 5/08 DBL/MAS 6/08
2/09 TIA 55%BLOCK LCAROTID.Divorced 7/30/10.No reconst yet
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote TNBC_in_NS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jun 18 2010 at 6:12pm
Prissy:  Here is some information on Torts for your lawyer.
 
Diag@57TNBC04/092.5cm Lquad 05/09 TCx4Radsx30CT03/01/10 FU03/31/10ClearBRCA- 01/2011 RTNBC BMX 06/14/2011~2013 clear
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote TNBC_in_NS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jun 18 2010 at 6:21pm
Prissy:
Here is the brochure that you can give your lawyer that explains how TNBC works.
 
 
You can search the forum threads for other info on tn but I am sure no one has gone through divorce after or during their tx.  One of our members broke up with her bf but she made the decision, not him.  I wish you all the best and keep your faith, the judge will see what he is trying to do and what he has already done.  Bless you, Helen in NS
Diag@57TNBC04/092.5cm Lquad 05/09 TCx4Radsx30CT03/01/10 FU03/31/10ClearBRCA- 01/2011 RTNBC BMX 06/14/2011~2013 clear
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote prissy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 01 2010 at 2:43pm
Thank you so much. You are the only person that replied to my message. I can't believe I am the only one that has gone through this after treatment and mascetomy. He really is heartless. All of you that have supportive husbands go home and kiss them. July 30 is my court date--I'll let you know what happens.
PRISSY 53 y/o cauc dx10/07 no nodes GR3 St IIb CT+4,ADRYx4 ClinTrial Avas#NCT00203503
Remarried 7/11

LAST CHEM 5/08 DBL/MAS 6/08
2/09 TIA 55%BLOCK LCAROTID.Divorced 7/30/10.No reconst yet
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote thenewme Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 01 2010 at 4:19pm
Prissy, I just saw your post.  I can't help with the legal part, but I wanted to let you know I'm sending you strength and peace.  I can't imagine what kind of "man" would do this, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this on top of everything else.  After a battle with the cancer beast, I know you have the strength to overcome this battle too.  Hang in there and let us know how you're doing!  HUGS!!!
DX: IDC/TNBC 11/08 5-cm Stage IIb Grade 3. Age 39. Double Mast 12/08 (prophy right) with tissue expanders . ACx4-Tx3. Suspicious IM node. 25 Rads. BRCA NEG.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote zoomommy2 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 01 2010 at 5:55pm

Prissy, I hadn't seen your earlier post. I'm so sorry  Your husband is putting you through this.  You will be better off without a creep like him.  I think our diagnosis shakes a lot of men to their core, but few of them react like yours.  My prayers are with you.

Lee in Denver
dx6/09,stageII,gr3,(L)mastectomy 7/09,ACx4,Taxolx7,Avastin study,gall bladder surgery 1/10,4/11 Stage 4, mets to lung, 4/11 Started Taxotere and Xeloda, 5/11 Taxotere stopped, off Xeloda
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 123Donna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 01 2010 at 6:23pm
Prissy,

I'm sorry that your husband is a total *ss.  I guess he didn't believe in the "for better or worse, in sickness and health" part.  It sounds like he's got his inheritance and wants to play.  You'll be better off in the long run, but it truly sux. 

Donna

Here's a list of drugs and their side effects. 

http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/druglist/
DX IDC TNBC 6/09 age 49, Stage 1,Grade 3, 1.5cm,0/5Nodes,KI-67 48%,BRCA-,6/09bi-mx, recon, T/C X4(9/09)
11/10 Recur IM node, Gem,Carb,Iniparib 12/10,MRI NED 2/11,IMRT Radsx40,CT NED11/13,MRI NED3/15

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote prissy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 02 2010 at 6:49am
Thank you for your support ladies. I really wish I could find some hard stats re: chance of recurrence. I think this is a big reason he wanted out. He knew I had a good chance at stroke after my TIA and knew TN can be more likely to come back. He just didn't think my cancer was fun at all.
PRISSY 53 y/o cauc dx10/07 no nodes GR3 St IIb CT+4,ADRYx4 ClinTrial Avas#NCT00203503
Remarried 7/11

LAST CHEM 5/08 DBL/MAS 6/08
2/09 TIA 55%BLOCK LCAROTID.Divorced 7/30/10.No reconst yet
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 123Donna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 02 2010 at 8:42am
Prissy,

I don't know if this will help, but here's an article showing the difference in graphs between TNBC and nonTNBC.  Pam had posted it in the resource section.

http://www.abstracts2view.com/sabcs09/viewp.php?nu=p4044

You might want to check other articles Pam and Nancy have posted in the TNBC News Resource Tips section.   There might be something you can use for your case.

http://forum.tnbcfoundation.org/tnbc-news-resources-tips_forum6.html

Donna


Edited by 123Donna - Jul 02 2010 at 8:44am
DX IDC TNBC 6/09 age 49, Stage 1,Grade 3, 1.5cm,0/5Nodes,KI-67 48%,BRCA-,6/09bi-mx, recon, T/C X4(9/09)
11/10 Recur IM node, Gem,Carb,Iniparib 12/10,MRI NED 2/11,IMRT Radsx40,CT NED11/13,MRI NED3/15

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote zoomommy2 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 02 2010 at 11:38am
"HE" didn't think cancer was fun????????  Does he think you think it's fun?  The support you need in this fight will never come from him and I'm sorry you had to find out this way.  My husband doesn't think he's a caregiver, but he's stuck with me and been better than I ever thought he could.  Sometimes it takes a crisis to find out who's a real man.
Lee in Denver
dx6/09,stageII,gr3,(L)mastectomy 7/09,ACx4,Taxolx7,Avastin study,gall bladder surgery 1/10,4/11 Stage 4, mets to lung, 4/11 Started Taxotere and Xeloda, 5/11 Taxotere stopped, off Xeloda
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Carol (Tenn) Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 10 2010 at 8:45am

Prissy,

I've only been on this site for about 9 months, but truthfully, I don't remember anyone ever posting with this problem. I KNOW there has to be others!]
I will pray for you that you will have your day in court and come out a winner.
You know what goes around, comes around.
 
I love this scripture;
Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay." says the Lord. Romans 12:19
 
Love and Prayers,
Carol
 
 
St 2 Gr 3, A/C/T, DD
Radiation x35
Rec chest wall 07/09
Radiation x28
NED 10/24/11
NED 10/5/12
NED 03/15/13
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kirby Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 21 2010 at 12:54am
I don't usually come to the support group area so hadn't seen this thread until now. I'll bet others don't either; hence not much response.
 
I was divorced before I was dx. There didn't seem to be many single moms out there when I was going thru it but they are/were out there. We haven't all had the most supportive situations. Worse are the ones that are married, getting no support and still having to serve their man. That has got to be lonely. At least you know where you stand. Divorce laws vary with every state. I would find out what your rights/state laws are. I was also advised to interview many attornies. Boy, was I glad I did. They all take a different approach. This way I truly had a basis of comparison and how that attorney would respond to certain situations.
 
Another  great piece of advice from a friend who had also been there: Happiness is the best revenge !
 
 
Good luck to you with your impending court date. Keep us posted. I do hope the courts will find a way to equalize the discrepencies somehow. You may also want to look up inheritance laws for your state. It seems like that may be the bigger issue if that is where all the money is coming from.
kirby

dx Feb. 2001. Age 44
Lumpectomy

2cm. no nodes stage 1 grade 3

4 rnds AC, 35 rads
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Linda England Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 25 2010 at 1:45am

Hi Prissy,

You didn't say which state you live in.  I live in California. Inheritance is considered the property of the person inheriting it regardless of marital (or divorce) status here. It's not considered marital property and so would not be part of a settlement in California.

Hope that's some information you can use.

Linda



Edited by Linda England - Jul 25 2010 at 1:47am
09/17/09 Age: 58
IDC/DCIS Stage I Grade 3
2cm Ki-67 = 90%
rt brst Nodes=0
bilat mast 10/29/09 no reconst
4/6 FEC + 4 dose-dense Taxotere + Neulasta
www.idc101.blogspot.com
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SagePatientAdvocates Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 25 2010 at 10:02am
Dear Prissy,

with apologies, I did not get to your thread until today....

I have no idea what the laws are in Arkansas....and it sounds like they are not very friendly to women 
BUT I would try to fight what you ex-to-be is doing. The most important document I think you can present is a strong letter from your oncologist presenting you medical condition completely and accurately complete with test results, hospital records, etc. I believe a judge will be supportive of your situation rather than punishing you, further.

Several years ago a woman told me that her husband matter-of-factly told her one night at dinner, after she shared the news of her recurrence, "I didn't sign up for this" and left..leaving her with two small children. Awful, awful stuff. Whatever happened to "I take thee in sickness and in health?"

Prissy, in my opinion, you need to make sure you are fighting as effectively as you can. Intuitively, I feel you are being trampled on and a good lawyer should be able to get more equitable treatment for you. There is something that is just 'wrong' about what is happening.

Prissy, I can tell you that there are many, many good men on this site who have been wonderfully supportive. I am saddened that your husband and his kids are acting the way they are.

When this is over....please try to concentrate on the positive things in your life and don't dwell on this disaster. Yes, I know easier said than done. Try to find the beauty in each day and live life to the fullest, as best you can. 

Thank you for sharing your experience...again, sorry didn't respond earlier..A lot of us look more on the Talk section..perhaps you can post there in the future?

Good luck at your hearing..

all the best,

Steve
I am a BRCA1+ grandson, son and father of women affected by breast/oc-my daughter inherited mutation from me, and at 36, was dx 2004 TNBC I am a volunteer patient advocate with SAGE Patient Advocates
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote diane1234 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 25 2010 at 12:00pm
Prissy....I am so sorry you are going through this. LIKE STEVE SAID...what happened to in sickness and health???? Some men are just creeps. You deserve so much better. I too am in Arkansas I am not sure what the laws are though. EVEN THOUGH MY HUBBY IS LAW ENFORCEMENT....We just never have dealt with a situation like this.....I LOVE YOU SISTER....I am here if you just need a friend. You can pm me anytime. AGAIN please remember NONE of this is your fault and no one deserves to be treated this way. YOU ARE LOVED!!!!!!!!
MAY GOD BLESS US ALL
Diane
dx 4/09 at 36 yrs old. dbl Mast. 5/09. 12 weekly Taxol 4 FAC tri weekly. 32 rads completed 2/2010. Its Back 5/2010!! Chest wall, Mediastinal node, Lft mammary node and liver. Back on chemo.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Linda England Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 25 2010 at 12:30pm

Hi again Prissy,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband's reaction must have been quite a shock. It seems so many women struggle with support. I found a wonderful group at the local Wellness Community. You might see if there's one near you.
 
I believe we see people for who they are when something like this happens. It may not seem so now, but you'll eventually be happier without him. I was divorced in 2007 and diagnosed in 2009. I feel stronger and happier, relieved even that I am not married any more even though I struggle financially. Some men don't like women, don't understand us, don't want to. They usually don't change.
 
Here's a brief overview of Arkansas divorce law:

Arkansas Property Division Laws

In Arkansas property division law, each spouse is entitled to half of all the marital property. Marital property includes real property, personal property, stocks, bonds, life insurance policies, and retirement plans. Basically, it is everything that was acquired during the marriage. Exceptions to this rule are inheritance and gifts.

 
From my experience, if you are not satisfied with your attorney, get a new one right away. It's a lot like getting diagnosed with cancer, except it's the legal environment. You're faced with many life altering decisions very quickly and have to gather information that isn't always definitive. If you have someone in your life you trust, include them in your process...it's good to have a supportive sounding board.
 
Good luck! I look forward to hearing what happens in your case.
 
Linda
09/17/09 Age: 58
IDC/DCIS Stage I Grade 3
2cm Ki-67 = 90%
rt brst Nodes=0
bilat mast 10/29/09 no reconst
4/6 FEC + 4 dose-dense Taxotere + Neulasta
www.idc101.blogspot.com
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SagePatientAdvocates Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 25 2010 at 12:45pm
Dear Prissy,

following up on Linda's excellent post....if you are really unhappy with your attorney and know of another one you might actually be able to get your July 30th date postponed. One key question might be whether the house, even though in your husband's name, solely can be considered "marital property." I hope so Smile

Please fight for whatever you are entitled to. Unfortunately, the only way there can be some 'fairness' here, financially, is with a lawyer's help. Sad, it has to be that way, but then again, it's all sad, huh?

all the best,

Steve
I am a BRCA1+ grandson, son and father of women affected by breast/oc-my daughter inherited mutation from me, and at 36, was dx 2004 TNBC I am a volunteer patient advocate with SAGE Patient Advocates
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